Went off to Kroger this morning which is unusual for me on a Saturday. Bill had a gig at the local high school, some kind of college fair, so I went grocery shopping. It wasn't as crowded in the store as I thought it would be. The big crowd must hit there in the afternoon after everyone gets thoroughly wakened up and realizes that their larders are empty.
A thought that struck me some time ago was awakened again as I saw a line of geese veeing across the sky while I was on my way to Kroger. Have I got this living thing understood now? I've been haunted by a sense of not knowing how to live a real life. Like everyone else knows how but I don't. Like "they" know what life's about, are busy with it, and their streets are lined with safe, comfortable markers all along the way. I seem to flounder all the time and have a gauzy feeling of emptiness that I don't understand. But I've felt something greater this fall. I've established some kind of contentment lately. So much so that I've even been making the beds in the morning after I get up. That's something I don't do unless I'm feeling happy or having a sense of well-being. I haven't made beds in the morning for a long time and now I want to.
Feels like I'm coming to grips with something. I've been having dreams while sleeping about being on a job. In the dreams, I'm usually wanderering around the office marveling that I'm there but totally wondering what it is I'm supposed to be doing. No one else knows what I'm supposed to be doing either and they don't care that I'm not doing something. I keep wondering why I'm there if they don't have any work for me and keep going to desks and other offices to see if there is some work that I can get busy with but no one has any work for me. They are all busy with their own work. And not aware that I don't have work.
Ah, ha! I'm having one of those moments. An ah, ha! moment. Finally, this dream makes sense. It's not been about my need to get a job. It's about how my life is right now. I've been wandering around wondering where I fit in. Not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing or what I want to do with my life. And not finding some greater project to connect with to fulfill myself, or to make myself feel useful and worthwhile. My brain works hard at night to keep me balanced. It keeps giving me clues over and over. Instead of going out to get a job, this is my job. Here at home, being myself. Doing what I want to do for the first time in 30 years with no kids at my knee. It's been hard to shake off that empty nest syndrome, hasn't it, Jo?
And good old Bill here is never bothered by my aimlessness. He just totally accepts me no matter what I'm doing, or not doing. That's been the whole thing with him. For the first time in my life, ever since I married him back in 1995, I have felt safe. And he's brought a stability to my life that I never knew before. Yet I still can't believe my good fortune at times. My psyche falls back into its old habits of expecting chaos and rejection. But my subconcious knows the stillness and the calm that has invaded my life and keeps trying to remind me. Whew! Thank heaven for dreams. Of all sorts. I always knew that this kind of man was out there. I only wish I had met him for my first marriage.
Why seeing the geese in the sky brought all this up? My subconscious working again? Canada geese. My husband is Canadian. Makes sense to me since my life works on a very sensory level.
