Wednesday was a busier day. I didn't need to turn to writing to pass the time. Yet, I did have some idle time. Enough idle time to think about how not being able to work the cash register was bumming me out. It was the turning point in this new career. My heart wasn't in the job anymore.

Sometime during the afternoon, Paula's pace slowed down and I sensed an opportunity to voice to her what I was thinking and feeling.

"You know," I cautiously started out. "I'm not so sure that I'm really want to be working fulltime like I thought."

Paula looked over at me and then back to the papers she was sorting out. "I had been wanting to ask you how you were doing. I saw from your resume that you hadn't worked in an office for awhile."

"Yeh," I sighed. "I totally thought I was ready to get back in but I'm having doubts. I knew it would be tiring."

"You looked pretty tired yesterday," she said.

"I was. I've been dragging. I have to admit that I'm not sure this is what I want to do and I feel really bad about having committed to this job and now am thinking that I'll have to back out of it. That's not how I am." There, there it was. It was out. I waited for the reaction. I was surprised that there wasn't as much of a reaction as I thought there would be. She was quite decent about it.

"Oh, no, don't worry about that. Don't feel bad. If this is not for you, it's not for you. We need to know soon, though, what you decide. It's better to let us know now instead of a couple of weeks down the road when we've trained you and come to rely on you and then you decide to go."

I almost thought that she was relieved to hear that I might want to go. No, no, Jo, don't get that old paranoia going again.

"Oh, I totally agree with that," I said in relief. "That's why this is so hard. I know I'll get used to working again after awhile. But what if I don't? Then you'd be left hanging even worse."

"Well, just let us know what you decide," she answered.

"I will and soon. I've got the holiday tomorrow to think about it." With that the conversation was finished. I was glad that it was finished. My courage and embarrassment had had quite enough tussling for the moment. The afternoon was much easier to get through having played my trump card. I knew that I had already decided but I gave myself one more day of thinking about it and one more day of being at work before I confirmed it within myself.

Ah, thank the Universe for holidays!