What is Love?
've thought a lot about "What Is Love?" and have come to the conclusion that love, real and healthy love, is about having one's needs met. I'm convinced that you can love someone, anyone, as long as they are fulfilling your needs. When they are attentive to you, you feel valued and cherished, you feel special to them. When needs aren't being met, love withers and resentments grow, love becomes lopsided. One person is doing all the giving, the other all the taking. This fosters codependency. I was in a 23 year marriage that epitomized this. I'm just grateful that I found the Al-Anon program, found my self-esteem and self-worth, and got out of that unhappy mess.
've learned now that when I don't feel that my needs are being met, I don't sulk and pout and get bitchy with my new husband, I tell him I have a need. Mainly it is the need to talk or be held. Well, I might sulk for a few minutes but I don't get hung up on it for days like I used to. I've learned to be direct and open. I let him know that I need a hug, or that I need for him to listen to me for 10 minutes (or longer, usually takes longer), or that I felt uncomfortable with something that he said. No matter how scary it feels, I let him know when I'm hurting or if I'm uncomfortable with how I feel he is treating me which, by the way, is usually with much love and sweetness but now and then he gets distant. Usually because he is wrapped up in some project around the house that he or I have thought of to make life a bit easier around here, or things get tough at work and he brings the worries home. It didn't take long after we were married for us to be able to tell when something was going on wrong with each other, and bring it up and talk. He learned this from me.
lso, I let him know how sweet he is and how much I love the little things he does to make my life much more pleasurable, how he shares in doing the dishes without being asked, how he runs the vacuum cleaner and mops the floors on a regular basis (I cook, he cleans is how it seems to be working out), how persistent he is in getting a household project done and not procrastinating for six months to forever like I put up with in my first marriage, how he runs errands without complaints any time I ask, and especially how he never turns me down when I need to cuddle. He says that he has never been loved like this in all his life. Never been so appreciated. I say that I've never been as wanted in anyone's life before as he makes me feel wanted. Or so cherished. Here is a list that my hubby found on 100 Ways To Love Your Mate.
t seems to me that the lack of honesty is the biggest downfall of a relationship. Be honest about your feelings; tell each other what you are REALLY feeling. Fear of rejection can hold a person back from this kind of honesty. It feels too vulnerable. I have always lived by the creed that if I can't be totally honest in a relationship, then that relationship isn't worth having.
second downfall is the loss of consideration for each other. Too often a relationship can dwindle down to complacency and convenience. "Hey, get me a beer," has been heard once too often from the man when both partners are sitting in the same room doing the same thing. Just because you live with someone doesn't mean that you turn them into your maid, or your maintenance man. Familiarity can often make a person forget their manners. I don't know why that is but it happens much too often.
hirdly there can be a dwindling of fun. You get wound up with everyday living, money worries, kid raising and life can become a chore. It's an effort to think of anything fun or different to do. That's when a relationship can really stagnate. That's when interest in each other starts to die and the idea of finding someone new and more exciting enters the picture.
nd fourth, sex when it becomes a problem is a real killer of healthy relationships. When I was single again, I was appalled by how many married men swamped me in the AOL chat rooms wanting to find someone they could have sex with since they weren't getting any at home. Those men would rather create new problems and end up hurting and alienating their wives instead of working on the old problems or going to counseling. None of them wanted to give up their security or financial comfort by divorcing.
y letting my thinking go beyond the traditional ways and standards, I'm not as afraid to do what I REALLY want to do. If the 90's are to be known for something, I hope they are known for people getting beyond "what others will think of them" and being opened up to just being themselves. This has got to be the age of enlightenment.
Some links to help foster your relationship...
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